Waves of pain ripping through my lower body. Lower abdomen, low back, hips, womb. A wave of piercing pain and then relief, pain and relief. My body simultaneously healing, protecting, and betraying me.
I thought I was adept at meeting my feelings, meeting my shadow and the pain. Humbled yet again as I watch my survivor self desperately reach for a reprieve. For relief from the thunderous waves of pain on every level. Waves of grief and sadness as I hear about so many of my family and friends expecting, from a child being born on the show I am trying to use to escape, from the physical pain that jolts me into reality again and again. My body will not let me run. She will not let me avoid or numb.
There is beauty and power in that and also frustration. My body is continually forcing me to be present. To be with the pain and grief, to rest, to heal. Unlike a man I can not escape this process. It lives in me and me alone. My partner can not take it. My friends can not take it. I am the only one who can walk the path of becoming a mother and the only one who can walk the path of releasing that life.
What a responsibility and a heavy load to ask of women. Yes we have the privilege of being the creators but that means we also carry the morning sickness, the mood swings and hormonal changes that make you feel like a stranger inside your own body, the discomfort and body changes that you have no control over.
And then one day your body takes control again and starts to release the very thing you have been struggling to create. It feels like betrayal. It feels like I’ve done something wrong and without the guidance and reassurance of other women, it would have stayed that way in my mind. They told me that somehow my brilliant body knows that this is an energy and spirit that was not going to thrive. So it starts to bleed and contract. Birthing a loss.
Today is Mother’s Day. Just 7 days ago I was excited to celebrate this day in a new way. As a woman joining the many other women creating the miracle of life inside of them. Frankly it is that miracle that is the one thing that made the challenge and disorienting experience of pregnancy worth it.
As a woman who has spent the past decade cultivating and deeply getting to know myself, it was extremely challenging not feeling like myself. Feeling powerless and out of control, disconnected from my intuition, my joy, my connection with Grace. Pregnancy was challenging for me. And the guilt and grief in feeling that way when you lose the life you have been growing is searing.
We are experiential beings. We can’t really know until we experience. Without the support and words of other women who have been through miscarriage and/or pregnancy I would be swimming inside a very different space. Normalizing the many different feelings, the physical and emotional pain, the personal time and space needed to both grow a human and to let go of one, the relief in feeling like myself again and the guilt and grief that it came at the cost of loss.
Women are miraculous. Our bodies are miraculous. This process of pregnancy and miscarriage only deepened my understanding and belief that pregnancy is a process and a challenge we should have the right to chose. Men can not have the experience of this path and therefor can not really know it and should not have the power to allow it or deny it.
Talking about my experience has saved me. It is an isolating thing when it is only your body that can both grow and release this being. Reaching out for connection and sharing my experience has kept me from drowning and from letting the grief settle in my bones.
To the many women who have walked the path of pregnancy and unfortunately the many women who have walked the path of miscarriage, I bow to you. The courage and strength of women is unparalleled.
As I let the waves roll through me, sometimes with Grace and sometimes with anger and resentment, I try to remind myself to trust my body, to lean into the enormous amount of love and support that is cradling me and to trust that the little beings that I am meant to carry will find their way to me in divine timing.
With love,
Emily
