Part of the journey of a lightworker or intuitive energy worker is to continually work towards clarity within, in order to be as clear as possible when working with others. We go about finding that clarity by lifting the density or negativity within ourselves that hinders us from connecting with the universal life force and with our highest self. This is the reason I went to Guatemala. It is a wonderful, life changing practice for anyone, energy worker or not. To truly connect within and confront your own darkness in order to become the very best version of yourself, your authentic self. It is a life long journey of self discovery and an excavation of the soul in order to live fully in that authentic self. Sometimes this means releasing your pride in order to see some of your habits or mental practices that do not serve you.
The very first day in Guatemala I had a personal revelation that echoed and reverberated throughout the rest of my stay; another truth that wove into my self like a beautiful golden thread in a web of interconnected parts that compose the woman I am today, but may not be tomorrow. This enlightening, and some what hard to admit, truth was that the need for perfection and control in everything I do, was a product of my Fear. I saw how this one fact seeped into so many facets of my life. But where does that fear come from? It is a fear of not being loved, of being judged, of getting hurt, and most importantly, of not being truly seen. Fear is often the secret underlying reason behind a lot of our internal processing and acknowleding the fear is the first step in taking away its power. We control because we are afraid of what might happen if we don't, because there is a safety and comfort within that control. Control and perfection are two threads of the same cloth. We control in order to strive for perfection. But how does that benefit us? What happens when we stop striving and simply... allow.
As a proud feminist and strong, independant woman, I strive to be the best at everything I do. But the raw truth is that I have always tried to prove myself, to be seen, understood and most importantly, loved. All of which were not easy to admit to myself, and even harder to admit publicly, but what I realized lying in a hammock in San Marcos, is that my desire for perfection was controling my life and hindering me from livining in the serenity of my authentic self. Striving for perfection simply creates a lot of "shoulds". As Dr. Jen Jackson, my dear friend and another beautiful guide in my life always says, "Stop shoulding all over yourself!" "Shoulds" create a pressure for perfection, and often carry with them a sense of failure. If we do not accomplish all that we should, we feel as though we have failed and a cycle of self criticism leaves us feeling less than. I think a lot of women struggle with this. We all want to be the best friend we can be, the best mother we can be, the best partner, the best in our chosen career, the best homemaker, the most fit, to have the perfect body, the perfect life. Some of these things may align with our authentic self, but some of them may not.
Many of us put so much pressure on ourselves to BE everything and DO everything. I AM WOMAN, I CAN DO IT ALL, sometimes to the detriment and sacrifice of ourselves. The problem is, that many times, we don't feel like it is a choice but a necessity, a responsibility. We have to do all the cleaning, laundry, dishes, child/pet care, AND bring home the bacon. But I firmly believe that we create our own reality, therefore it is within our power to change that reality, if we so choose. Asking for help is not showing weakness, vulnerability is not a flaw. It takes strength to be vulnerable, to allow ourselves to see our own darkness, to expose our souls, in order to heal them. Those millions of little moments of guilt for not being everything or doing everything, can leave millions of little scars on our souls. Knowing when doing EVERYTHING is not in your best interest, and then allowing yourself to ask for help or simply let it go, does not mean that you are less of an independant, strong woman, but rather a woman wise enough to know what is best for herself, and then in turn, best for those she loves.
The need for perfection can not be confused with drive. Drive is what fuels our passions. But that is the key point, for our passions serve our highest self. I don't regret working hard in school or working hard to create a business of my own. Those are not necessarily byproducts of my need for perfection but are results of the passion I have for educating myself and for being an entrepreneur. I do however, see how my need for perfection and control may have pushed me past that ever elusive balance many times. When I should have said no, but instead said yes, when I took on yet another challenge or responsibility instead of focusing on creating time for meditation or self/soul care. Instead of taking care of myself, I focus on taking care of others but as I said in my post Be Gentle With Yourself, you can not be the best version of yourself, without first taking care of yourself. It is still something I am working on today and only now do I realize how my focus on perfection has hindered my full acceptance of that fact.
It is not an easy habit to break when it has been so engrained in who you are for so long, but in order to change the reality, change our consciousness and perspective, we have to be willing to acknowledge our own darkness and be gentle with our selves as we work towards the light. Being aware of the thing you want to change will help you to see that moment of self criticism or guilt for not being perfect, and then self love will help you release it. Let go of the reins and let that goddess horse run free. Those who love you are happy to help, love yourself enough to let go of the chains of perfection and control. Rather than striving, simply allow. When you are aligned with your authentic self, mind, body and soul, you will accomplish all you set out to do with ease, efficiency, pleasure and satisfaction. If the fear of not being seen, loved or understood is what fuels that need for perfection, simply love yourself enough to let it go.
I was unable to finish this piece for weeks until a friend recently posted this quote on Facebook. It is the answer. It shows us how to heal and lift the weight of perfection and control, for they are both an illusion and letting go of that illusion will set us free.
She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
- Ernest Holmes
* With love to all you beautiful goddesses, I say, Let Go. *